One

Sep. 25th, 2013 02:08 pm
unholyquatrain: (2)
[personal profile] unholyquatrain
I've been thinking a lot about who I've been Vs. who I am now. They are two entirely different people, even though the first person informs some of who I am now, mostly because I haven't figured out a way to drop memories.

From early teens to early adulthood, I was painfully extroverted. I didn't care who I hung out with as long as I didn't have to sit home alone and think and angst. I didn't have any personal boundaries, either, for reasons I won't get into right now. I used to be way more honest about this stuff.

So this lack of personal boundaries led me into some weird situations. It also made me think that I was bisexual, but I realize now maybe I just didn't care who I was with, as long as they wanted me.

Now I wonder if I've swung too far to the opposite side, as in, I have too many boundaries. Here's a brief list:

1. Having a really difficult time sleeping in the same bed, even the same room, as someone else.

2. Not wanting to tell people about bad shit because I don't want to be comforted or supported. It makes my skin crawl, even if I love and adore the people who are trying with the best intentions to cheer me up.

3. Having to explain my random fits of self-destructive behavior that still pop up, time to time, like hives. One I've done more than a few times this year is staying up for 24 hours at a time, not eating anything, smoking a cigarette every hour on the hour.

I'm in a long-distance relationship right now with someone I know has gotten their shit together better than me, and they think I'm the more stable one. It's not that I lie to him, but a lot of my innermost thoughts are presented highly sanitized.

I don't think I'll ever stop veering to extremes.
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Jessica

October 2013

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