I Don't Know, Something Profound

So there is this song by Bright Eyes that's about being taken advantage of at a young age by a much, much older person. Basically being convinced to do something you didn't really want to do. And sometimes the lyrics just kind of punch me in the face.



First with your hands, then with your mouth
A downpour of sweat, damp cotton clouds
I was a fool, you were my friend
We made it happen

You took off your clothes, left on the light
You stood there so brave, you used to be shy
Each feature improved, each movement refined
And eyes like a showroom

Now they're spreading out the blankets on the beach
That weatherman's a liar, he said it'd be raining
But it's clear and blue as far as I can see

Left by the lamp, right next to the bed
On a cartoon cat pad, she scrached with a pen:
"Everything is as it's always been, this never happened
Don't take it too bad, it's nothing you did
Just once something dies, you can't make it live
You're a beautiful boy, you're a sweet little kid
But I am a woman"

So I laid back down, wrapped myself up in the sheets
And I must have looked like a ghost
Because something frightened me
And since then I've been so good at vanishing

Now I do as I please, and I lie through my teeth
Someone might get hurt, but it won't be me
I should probably feel cheap, but I just feel free
And a little bit empty

No, it isn't so hard to get close to me
There'll be no arguments, we'll always agree
And I'll try to be kind when I ask you to leave
We'll both take it easy

If you stay too long inside my memory
I will trap you in a song tied to a melody
And I'll keep you there so you can't bother me

Me: Cock
Victor: I have ten of them
Me: sweet
Victor: Ten thousand
Me: even better
Victor: lol
Me: I ran out of alcohol
Victor: in a house full of gay dudes?

* * * * *

Victor: Quite the conundrum
Me: more like cocknundrum
Victor: wat?
Me: I don't know
I'm trying to insert cock into everything
Victor: You cannot insert cock into anything
You do not possess one

* * * * *

Victor: Ew work.
EW!
EWWWWWW!
EWWWWWWWWWWW!
Did that make you chuckle even a wee bit?
Me: it did, yes
Victor: my loins throb at this knowledge
Me: lol

* * * * *

I haven't been hugged since I was in Chicago last, in May. I used to cringe whenever people hugged me. For some reason, I couldn't handle a hug from someone, but I could have a one night stand and not feel a thing.

I miss my mom, my best friend, my nieces. I miss being around people who don't constantly judge me every second of the day. I want to go home, but I don't know where home is.

I wish I still had some Percocet.

I've been thinking a lot about who I've been Vs. who I am now. They are two entirely different people, even though the first person informs some of who I am now, mostly because I haven't figured out a way to drop memories.

From early teens to early adulthood, I was painfully extroverted. I didn't care who I hung out with as long as I didn't have to sit home alone and think and angst. I didn't have any personal boundaries, either, for reasons I won't get into right now. I used to be way more honest about this stuff.

So this lack of personal boundaries led me into some weird situations. It also made me think that I was bisexual, but I realize now maybe I just didn't care who I was with, as long as they wanted me.

Now I wonder if I've swung too far to the opposite side, as in, I have too many boundaries. Here's a brief list:

1. Having a really difficult time sleeping in the same bed, even the same room, as someone else.

2. Not wanting to tell people about bad shit because I don't want to be comforted or supported. It makes my skin crawl, even if I love and adore the people who are trying with the best intentions to cheer me up.

3. Having to explain my random fits of self-destructive behavior that still pop up, time to time, like hives. One I've done more than a few times this year is staying up for 24 hours at a time, not eating anything, smoking a cigarette every hour on the hour.

I'm in a long-distance relationship right now with someone I know has gotten their shit together better than me, and they think I'm the more stable one. It's not that I lie to him, but a lot of my innermost thoughts are presented highly sanitized.

I don't think I'll ever stop veering to extremes.

I think I will start this journal by posting some of my weird art. I found a bunch of old shiz on a CD.

Here is one: