unholyquatrain: (Default)
So there is this song by Bright Eyes that's about being taken advantage of at a young age by a much, much older person. Basically being convinced to do something you didn't really want to do. And sometimes the lyrics just kind of punch me in the face.



First with your hands, then with your mouth
A downpour of sweat, damp cotton clouds
I was a fool, you were my friend
We made it happen

You took off your clothes, left on the light
You stood there so brave, you used to be shy
Each feature improved, each movement refined
And eyes like a showroom

Now they're spreading out the blankets on the beach
That weatherman's a liar, he said it'd be raining
But it's clear and blue as far as I can see

Left by the lamp, right next to the bed
On a cartoon cat pad, she scrached with a pen:
"Everything is as it's always been, this never happened
Don't take it too bad, it's nothing you did
Just once something dies, you can't make it live
You're a beautiful boy, you're a sweet little kid
But I am a woman"

So I laid back down, wrapped myself up in the sheets
And I must have looked like a ghost
Because something frightened me
And since then I've been so good at vanishing

Now I do as I please, and I lie through my teeth
Someone might get hurt, but it won't be me
I should probably feel cheap, but I just feel free
And a little bit empty

No, it isn't so hard to get close to me
There'll be no arguments, we'll always agree
And I'll try to be kind when I ask you to leave
We'll both take it easy

If you stay too long inside my memory
I will trap you in a song tied to a melody
And I'll keep you there so you can't bother me
unholyquatrain: (5)
Stop feeling so guilty every time you eat.
unholyquatrain: (Default)
Me: Cock
Victor: I have ten of them
Me: sweet
Victor: Ten thousand
Me: even better
Victor: lol
Me: I ran out of alcohol
Victor: in a house full of gay dudes?

* * * * *

Victor: Quite the conundrum
Me: more like cocknundrum
Victor: wat?
Me: I don't know
I'm trying to insert cock into everything
Victor: You cannot insert cock into anything
You do not possess one

* * * * *

Victor: Ew work.
EW!
EWWWWWW!
EWWWWWWWWWWW!
Did that make you chuckle even a wee bit?
Me: it did, yes
Victor: my loins throb at this knowledge
Me: lol

* * * * *

Five

Oct. 1st, 2013 03:11 am
unholyquatrain: (4)
Trying to figure out a way to express your feelings without bumming other people out or making them worry about you is hard.

Four

Sep. 30th, 2013 07:39 pm
unholyquatrain: (2)


Your Interpersonal Intelligence Score: 0%



Your Interpersonal Intelligence is Very Low



This doesn't mean you're not intelligent.

If anything, you're more of a reclusive genius type.

You do your best work on your own. You are truly an island.


unholyquatrain: (1)
There’s a cat in the window, of the house of my lover. Where she sleeps there alone now, or perhaps with another.

Oh, I try not to think about that, I try not to think at all. I get cocaine from a girl I met and my brother buys me alcohol. And I stay up all night walking through these houses I have grown to hate. And my parents ask if I’m alright, I say I’ve just been staying up too late. I need to sleep. I need to do something. To get this awful weight above my chest and keep the pretty ghost from chasing me.

So you say there are spaces, open and wide. Believe me, there’s days longer than nights. And you will be happy the minute you try. But you don’t try. No you don’t try.

And you speak of a fever, that burns you inside, as you explain to your mother how you wanted to die. And she kisses your fingers, says my darling, but why? There’s so much more.

Three

Sep. 26th, 2013 12:12 am
unholyquatrain: (1)
I haven't been hugged since I was in Chicago last, in May. I used to cringe whenever people hugged me. For some reason, I couldn't handle a hug from someone, but I could have a one night stand and not feel a thing.

I miss my mom, my best friend, my nieces. I miss being around people who don't constantly judge me every second of the day. I want to go home, but I don't know where home is.

I wish I still had some Percocet.

Two

Sep. 26th, 2013 12:00 am
unholyquatrain: (3)


You Are An INFP



The Idealist



You are a creative person with a great imagination. You enjoy living in your own inner world.

Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important relationships.

It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You are hesitant to let people get close to you.

But once you care for someone, you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.



In love, you tend to have high (and often unrealistic) standards.

You are very sensitive. You tend to have intense feelings.



At work, you need to do something that expresses your personal values.

You would make an excellent writer, psychologist, or artist.



How you see yourself: Unselfish, empathetic, and spiritual



When other people don't get you, they see you as: Unrealistic, naive, and weak


One

Sep. 25th, 2013 02:08 pm
unholyquatrain: (2)
I've been thinking a lot about who I've been Vs. who I am now. They are two entirely different people, even though the first person informs some of who I am now, mostly because I haven't figured out a way to drop memories.

From early teens to early adulthood, I was painfully extroverted. I didn't care who I hung out with as long as I didn't have to sit home alone and think and angst. I didn't have any personal boundaries, either, for reasons I won't get into right now. I used to be way more honest about this stuff.

So this lack of personal boundaries led me into some weird situations. It also made me think that I was bisexual, but I realize now maybe I just didn't care who I was with, as long as they wanted me.

Now I wonder if I've swung too far to the opposite side, as in, I have too many boundaries. Here's a brief list:

1. Having a really difficult time sleeping in the same bed, even the same room, as someone else.

2. Not wanting to tell people about bad shit because I don't want to be comforted or supported. It makes my skin crawl, even if I love and adore the people who are trying with the best intentions to cheer me up.

3. Having to explain my random fits of self-destructive behavior that still pop up, time to time, like hives. One I've done more than a few times this year is staying up for 24 hours at a time, not eating anything, smoking a cigarette every hour on the hour.

I'm in a long-distance relationship right now with someone I know has gotten their shit together better than me, and they think I'm the more stable one. It's not that I lie to him, but a lot of my innermost thoughts are presented highly sanitized.

I don't think I'll ever stop veering to extremes.
unholyquatrain: (Default)
unholyquatrain: (Default)
I think I will start this journal by posting some of my weird art. I found a bunch of old shiz on a CD.

Here is one:


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unholyquatrain: (Default)
Jessica

October 2013

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